Things had not been going at all well for Andy Papandy, the dream-boy leader of the Freaks. He still enjoyed top billing, but there were ominous signs that his popularity was on the wane. His attempts to help along the career of a flight attendant who had given him an extra helping of coq au vin on a flight from Paris to the Freak capital were maliciously seized upon by the press and treated as a major scandal.
His fans, however, remained loyal to him and said he had every right to discuss the poor girl’s future on a yacht off Kythnos instead of attending a boring ceremony in remembrance of the earthquake victims in a crummy town where everybody has been living in tents for the past year.
Then he had a row with his chief sidekick over how much to pay the Freaks for not working and he became very depressed when the sidekick resigned, because he seemed to be the only person in the cabinet who knew what he was doing. His despondency was somewhat alleviated when Yasser Arafat paid a flying visit to the Freak capital, asking for Papandy’s help in bringing about a peace settlement in the Middle East.
He talked for hours to Arafat, telling him all about the peace initiative he had taken with the leaders of Sweden, India, Mexico, Argentina and Tanzania, and how the force of their arguments had finally persuaded the leaders of the US and the USSR to sign their historic agreement of December 8, 1987 eliminating intermediate-range missiles from Europe. Arafat then spread his tablecloth over the coffee table and produced falafel sandwiches and a flask of apricot juice to celebrate the occasion, vowing that the Nobel Committee must have been blind when it awarded last year’s peace prize to Roberto Arias.
Last month, Papandy decided he deserved a vacation so he took a bunch of disgruntled Freak businessmen with him to a ski resort in Switzerland, hoping to convince them over the fondue and boeuf bourguignonne that if they opened their moneybags and made the investments so badly needed by the Freak economy, he would guarantee they would never make a profit.
One night, in the hotel, while he was expounding upon his masterful economic theories before his entranced guests, his long fork – with a bit of melted cheese dripping from the end of it – remained suspended in mid-air as his eyes fell upon the person who had just entered the hotel dining room. The guests turned to follow his gaze and saw, to their horror, none other than the Wizard of Ozzle, Andy Papandy’s Jerk arch-rival, whom he had been avoiding for years.
They looked at one another for what seemed an eternity, Papandy’s dark eyes peering straight into the thick lenses of the Wizard’s glasses, while everybody in the room held his breath, wondering how the two would react.
Then, to everyone’s surprise, the Wizard of Ozzle waddled over to Andy with hand outstretched while Andy hastenecj towards him and clasped him fondly to his bosom. In those few seconds, a mysterious, almost chemical rapport had been established between the two men who took to each other like long-lost brothers.
They moved to a separate table and sat down to talk, Andy ordering Freak coffee and the Wizard ordering Jerkish coffee which an impassive Swiss waiter poured out of the same pot.
The retinue of Jerkish businessmen the Wizard had brought with him sat down with their Freak counterparts and ordered raki, while the Freaks ordered ouzo which another impassive Swiss waiter poured out of the same bottle.
The Freaks seized the opportunity to explain Aridy’s trailblazing economic theories to the Jerks who chuckled merrily and remarked to the Freaks they were lucky to have a leader who was such a barrel of laughs.
Meanwhile, the press got wind that something extraordinary was happening in the hotel and converged upon it from the four corners of Europe, some on scheduled flights, some by charter, and all by snowshoe as they trudged the last quarter-mile to the hotel. They were just in time to see Andy and the Wizard riding together on the ski lift and then careering down the slopes, racing each other, helping each other out of snowdrifts and generally having the time of their lives.
They waited in the hotel lobby all through the next day as the two leaders went out on a sleigh ride and finally cornered them in the evening when they emerged from the hotel sauna and plunged into the indoor swimming pool.
The reporters gathered round the pool and while the Wizard floated lazily on his back, Andy told t he press:
“I have been deeply moved by my meeting with the Wizard and I have had a lovely time with him during the past two days. If there are any differences between our two countries, we both believe it is up to the United Nations and the International Court at The Hague to resolve them. That’s what they’re paid for. As far as we’re concerned, we are not going to let anything thwart our friendship or prevent our next vacation which may be in the Caribbean, the Seychelles or some other place that’s nice.”
“Hear, hear,” the Wizard said from the middle of the pool, playfully tossing a beach ball at Andy.
The reporters went off to write theirstories and when the Freaks and the Jerks back home heard the news they wondered who had been kidding whom all these years.
