It was presided over by a senior Turkish Navy commander in charge of naval intelligence for the Aegean sector and attended by two lieutenants who were experts in modern methods of naval warfare, and a secretary to record the minutes.
The commander brought the meeting to order and said, “Gentlemen, the chiefs of staff are vitally interested in this latest addition to the naval power of our NATO ally and neighbor, Greece, and I have been asked in all urgency to make an in-depth report on the trireme Olympias- its effectiveness as an attack weapon; its performance at sea; what threat, if any, it could pose to our own naval forces in the event of an engagement and whether ‘if necessary’ we could build similar or improved versions for our own navy.”
The secretary interrupted at this point to ask the commander in a low modulated and slightly husky voice “How do you spell “Olympias”?”
The lieutenants turned and noticed her for the first time. She was a raven haired beauty with dark eyes, a milk-white complexion, flushed cheeks and pouting lips, and she wore a low cut dress that was fighting a losing battle trying to restrain a well-endowed and rebellious bosom.
The commander spelled out the word for her and turned to the junior officers.
“Well, gentlemen, what do you know about. this trireme? Tewfik, you can start.”
But Tewfik was transfixed by the superb sample of Turkish pulchritude sitting so close to him and it was a few seconds before he could tear his eyes away from her and answer the commander.
“Sir,” he said, “with all due respect to the chiefs of staff, I do not think this ship is intended to do any fighting in this day and age. The idea of building it came from two Britons, Coates and Morrison and the money was put up by Melina Mercouri. That’s all there is to it.”
“Don’t you think it strange that three prominent figures in show business should be involved in it? What is the significance in that?” the commander mused.
“I’m afraid I don’t follow you, sir,” Tewfik said.
“If I am not mistaken, Coates is a well-known composer, Morrison is a top pop star and Melina Mercouri is a famous actress, or am I wrong?” the commander asked, raising his thick eyebrows and ‘looking quizzically at Twefik.
“No, sir. This is John Coates, a naval architect and not the late Eric Coates. Also, Morrison is John Morrison, a university professor and not the late Jim Morrison.”
The commander looked nonplused.
“But Melina Mercouri is the famous actress,” he said, as if proving a point.
“Indeed she is. But she provided the money in her capacity as Minister of Science and Culture. Believe me, sir, this trireme is not a strategic weapon, it’s a museum piece, that’s all.”
“Then why has it been commissioned in the Greek Navy? Yusuf, what do you have to say about it? Have we had a report from our naval attache in Athens?” the commander snapped, turning to the other lieutenant.
Yusuf, who was a handsome lad and who fancied himself as a lady killer, had been gently nudging the secretary’s thigh under the table with his knee, causing her to blush furiously as she tried to avoid him without causing a scene.
He pulled himself together quickly and answered the commander’s question.
“Yes, we have received his report. He attended the commissioning ceremony and looked over the ship. He could find nothing suspicious about it. He also attended the reception on the cruiser Averof and said the meat balls had too much onion in them and gave him acute indigestion.”
The commander snorted. “We are not interested in the gastric misfortunes of our naval attache’s. Tell him that in our next signal to him.” Then his eyes narrowed and he turned to Tewfik again.
Tewfik, who had removed one of his shoes and was trying to reach the secretary’s knee with his stockinged foot , pulled himself up quickly and said: “Sir?”
“Don’t you find it significant that the Olympias should be linked with a battle cruiser?”
“No Sir. The Averof is also a – museum piece.”
The commander banged his fist on the table in anger. “The Olympias is a museum piece, the Averofis a museum piece, isn’t there any ship in the Greek Navy that can fire a shot in anger?”
“Oh, yes sir. But you said the chiefs of staff wanted to know about the trireme,” Tewfik said, glaring at Yusuf who had drawn closer to the secretary and was obviously reaching for something under the table with his right hand.
“Yes, the trireme. I believe it is made entirely of wood, is it not? Does that mean it is not detectable by radar?
That, surely would give it an important advantage over our own ships?”
“I don’t think so, sir,” Tewfik said, delivering a swift kick under the table at what he thought was Yusuf’s leg but was in fact the leg of the table.
“And what about it’s ramming power,” the commander went on. “At full speed, what damage could it do to one of our destroyers?”
“Ouch!” Tewfik cried out as Yusuf, realizing Tewfik was trying to kick him, struck him in the groin under the table with. a ballpoint pen.
“What’s the matter with you?” the commander asked.
“N-nothing, sir,” Tewfik gasped, “no, I don’t thing it could do any significant damage, sir.”
The commander thought for a while and the two lieutenants redoubled their efforts to reach the secretary under the table while the poor girl struggled to avoid them and write on her pad at the same time.
“Look here chaps,” the commander said.
“I tend to agree with you about the trireme, but if there’s one chance in a million that the perfidious Brits and the devious Greeks have pulled a fast one on us with that trireme, we’ll look like a trio of asses to the chiefs of staff don’t forget the contraption the Greeks left outside the walls of Troy was also made of wood and you will also recall Vergil’s wise words: Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes. ‘I fear the Greeks and the gifts they bring’.”
“Sir, they’re not making any gift to us of the trireme,” Yusuf interrupted.
“Never mind,” the commander went on. “What I mean is we don’t want to be caught with our pants down – particularly in this part of the world. So what I suggest is we make an ambivalent report saying the strategic potential of the trireme, if any, needs more study and that in any case we should do something to offset the very successful publicity stunt pulled off by Mrs. Mercouri. Now what can we suggest in that direction?”
Yusuf thought of proposing the promotion of the· secretary as mascot of the Turkish Navy and getting Playboy to do a centerfold on her but Tewfik, who had just made another unsuccessful ploy with his stockinged foot, spoke up and said:
“Why don’t we build a galley like the one used by our great admiral Khaired-Din Barbarossa when he was ravaging the Mediterranean? We probably couldn’t find any Barbary pirates to man it but perhaps we could recruit some from Malayan waters. Also, it would have guns on it and if the Greeks tried any funny business with the trireme we could blast it out of the water, British rowers and all. What do. you think of that sir?”
The commander’s face lit up. “Splendid idea, Tewfik. Splendid. I’m sure the chiefs of staff will be delighted. Good. Now, Emine here will transcribe the minutes. of this meeting and you two can get cracking on your report.”
“Sir,” Yusuf said brightly, “can Emine come with us to our office and type out our report?”
“Certainly not,” the commander said, “Emine is coming home with me. Oh, I don’t think I’ve introduced you. Emine, my daughter, these are lieutenants Tewfik and Yusuf. You’ve got to watch yourself with these two, m’girl. Regular Casanovas I’ve heard say.”
“Really?” Emine said, as she swept past the two crestfallen officers.
“They must have hidden charms.”
