The Freaks went to the polls and did their best, but the dreaded Stephanococcus took its toll and the new Mandate wasn’t anything as strong and powerful as the old one. Furthermore, Undress Popun-derwear emerged as the Leader of the Opposition —reflecting the love of most Freaks for new and trendy fashions.
Across the blue waters that separated the beautiful land of the Freaks from the Jerks a battle took place between Demi-Tasse, trying desperately to keep his balance on a Shaky Coalition, and the saturnine Itchy Feet who, with one flick of an utricarial toe, brought the Coalition crashing down.
He took Demi-Tasse’s place as premier of the Jerks and immediately invited Caramel Cream to a conference on top of Mount Ararat. Caramel Cream said he agreed on principle but he wouldn’t climb the mountain without adequate preparation. He needed a fur-lined coat, warm mittens, spiked boots, pitons, etc., and since Abercrom-bie and Fitch had closed down he had no idea where he could buy them. But Itchy Feet was not to be daunted. He wrote a very nice letter to Caramel Cream which went something like this:
Dear Caramel Cream,
I was very upset to hear you could not meet me on top of Mount Ararat because you didn’t have the proper equipment. I would be very glad to provide it for you but as you probably know, our finances are in pretty poor shape and, much as we would like to, we cannot afford to buy1 a fur-lined coat, warm mittens, pitons, etc. However, I have many good friends in the United States and in Europe such as Jimmy in Washington, James in London, Giscard in Paris and Helmut in Bonn. 1 have told them about our meeting and they are all delighted with the idea. They are all quite wealthy too, and they said they would be more than willing to fit you up with everything you need.
For the meeting itself I am having a small ark built on top of Ararat with voluntary contributions from the Association of Armenian Survivors of 1915 whoaresomehowstilllivingin this country. Tt will have a guest room and a snack bar. I suggested to the Association that we could have some animals around to give the scene a more authentic touch but the Armenians said with me there they did not think any more animals would be needed. I’m not quite sure what they meant by that.
Anyway, once we get to the top, we shall be quite comfortable and we can sit together over a glass of ouzo and some pastrami and thrash out all the problems between our two countries. Looking forward to seeing you soon,
Your good friend, Itchy Feet
After receiving such a nice letter from Itchy Feet, Caramel Cream felt he could not put off the meeting any longer. So he hopped on a plane to London where his fellow-premier James greeted him cordially and gave him a beautiful suede coat lined with pure Shetland wool. In Paris, his old friend Giscard held a ceremony at which he kissed him on both cheeks and presented him with a pair of mittens knitted by Charlotte Corday. In Bonn, his other old friend Helmut presented him with a dozen pitons specially cast for the occasion at the same forge that produced the Big Bertha cannon in World War I.
During these visits, Caramel Cream took the occasion to ask his fellow-leaders what was happening with his application for membership in a very exclusive club called the EEC that had only nine members. Caramel Cream desperately wanted to become the tenth member and had received assurances time and again that he would be accepted. Yet months had gone by and Caramel Cream had still not received his membership card and the little badge he could wear in his lapel. James, Giscard, and Helmut were all members and they said to Caramel Cream: ‘You settle your little problem with Itchy Feet and don’t worry about a thing. And if you fall off the mountain we’ll send a NATO helicopter to pick you up.’
And that is how matters stand at the time of writing. The monstrous Beatnik is at present hibernating in Anatolian waters and if Caramel Cream and Itchy Feet cannot work out anything on Mount Ararat, there is every possibility that it will come out again in the spring, searching the sea bottom for treasure and striking terror into the hearts of swimmers in the beautiful blue sea that separates the land of the Freaks from the Jerks.
