In our last instalment, the Jerks were having elections and it was a contest bitterly fought between the two main contenders — the dynamic Itchy Feet and the redoubtable Demi-tasse. In the end, neither of the two had a sufficiently large majority to form a viable government and Demi-tasse ended up with a compromise called a Shaky Coalition. It is so wobbly he can only sit in it by carefully balancing his chair between his desk and his hookah. Every time he takes a puff at the pipe, the whole edifice trembles precariously and, of course, in this situation the poor man is totally incapable of doing anything remotely constructive such as running the country or solving its problems.
On the other side of the sea, the handsome, bushy-browed premier of the Freaks and principal saviour of that country, Caramel Cream, decided that he too would have an election even though his term of office did not expire for another year. There was much speculation on the reasons for this move and some people said Caramel Cream had decided to hold the election a year early to catch his opponents with their pants down. This may be a possibility with his main opponent, Black of Edik, who constantly buttons and unbuttons his jacket when he makes speeches in parliament, presumably checking to make sure his pants are still up, but it can hardly apply to his other opponent, Undress Popunderwear, who has no¬thing to conceal.
The reason Caramel Cream himself gave for holding the elections was that he would probably have to fight a duel with Demi-tasse or the Beatnik soon and he couldn’t do that without the magic sword that used to be called Excalibur in King Arthur’s time but is now known as a Fresh Parliamentary Mandate.
The announcement of the forthcom¬ing election left most Freaks uncon¬cerned. They knew there was no opposition candidate who could match Caramel Cream in stature, good looks and saving the country, although they reckoned his party would lose some seats because the last time he saved the country was three years ago and the memories of most Freaks are rather short. It is these lost seats that the opposition parties are after and their leaders are all trying to persuade the voters that they were not really saved in 1974 and they need proper saving at this time; that Caramel Cream spends too much time playing golf and what the country needs is a Prime Minister who can unbutton his coat and get down to the job at hand; and, finally, that Caramel Cream is too friendly with Giscard and Jimmy and what the country needs is a premier who is an economic expert like Undress Popunderwear who will see to it that the national wealth is equally distributed and every Freak ends up with his own Mercedes 450 SEL.
The Freak communist parties have given themselves such ludicrous names — Cuckoo X and Cuckoo S— that nobody in his right mind is expected to vote for them. So everybody is happy with that situation, including the Eastern bloc emissaries in the Freak capital who are having a lovely time thank you very much and would hate to see any changes.
There is one small development, however, that is causing some concern among Caramel Cream’s adherents. It is the appearance of a rather nasty virus which has been identified as the Stephanoccocus. It produces the same symptoms as the Asiatic flu and it appears to be attacking all the right wing elements of the Caramel Cream faction. Caramel Cream circles fear that if the disease is allowed to spread unchecked it could well keep a sizable segment of potential Caramel Cream voters in bed on election day.
Meanwhile, the monstrous Beatnik continues to lurk in Anatolian waters and it remains to be seen whether Demi-tasse will pluck up enough courage to summon it out for a confrontation with Caramel Cream and his Fresh Parliamentary Mandate without bringing the Shaky Coalition down about his ears.
