When people try to guess my sign, for some reason or other they are always wrong. They simply fail to realize that when they meet a fine, upstanding, straightforward, honest, brave, noble, generous, steadfast, reliable, affectionate and extremely intelligent person he can be anything but a Taurian.
I myself have devised simple rules by which I can tell a person’s astrological sign simply by observing him for a few minutes.
For instance, when I am at a party and I see someone hopping nimbly and surefootedly from one chair to another, butting in on other people’s conversations, and eating everything in sight, including the paper napkins, I have no doubt he was born under the sign of the Goat and is surely a Capricorn.
And when I see a girl with woolly hair and ovine eyes, chewing placidly on a watercress sandwich she is undoubtedly under the influence of the Ram and can be nothing but an Aries.
People who tend to walk sideways, whose eyes swivel about like Marty Feldman’s and who have the annoying habit of grabbing your arm in a pincer-like grip when they talk to you are obviously Cancers and were born under the sign of the Crab.
Most people who choose to become waiters at Greek cafes or firemen must be Aquarians since they are wateiv carriers par excellence. Or else they become members of the cast of Ha/rand sing about the dawning of the age, etc.
People who tend to grow manes of shaggy hair, eat their steaks almost raw and roar with anger at the slightest provocation are obviously Leos. But don’t jump to immediate conclusions here. They may be born under another sign and are just trying to land a job with Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.
Individuals who drink to excess, fix you with glassy stares and try to involve you in dubious deals are extremely fishy characters so you will be correct in classifying them as Pisces.
On the other hand, a girl wearing a twin set, with a Toni hairdo, a twin brother or sister in the background and with a perfect figure composed of two legs, two arms, two eyes and two heads is obviously a Gemini.
Virgos of either sex, as their sign implies, remain virgins all their lives. They give themselves away by blushing deeply when they hear dirty stories and by giving you dirty looks when you make a pass at them. This is the dullest of all the signs of the zodiac.
If you see someone at a party balancing a plate of canapes in one hand, a drink in the other and managing to smoke a cigarette at the same time while weighing every sentence before he utters it, that person is without a doubt a Libra.
Γ he person who tends to hide in dark corners of the room or under a loose floor board, who gives you venomous looks for no reason and stings you for a loan even though you hardly know him, mu,st be a Scorpio.
Finally we come to Sagittarius, the Archer. He is always pictured as a Centaur—half man and half horse, holding a bow and arrow. Sagittarians always give themselves away by poking you in the chest to emphasize a point and by kicking backwards at anyone who tries to interrupt the conversation. Also, they never need to buy fertilizer for their lawns.
If you meet someone with none of the above characteristics and simply can’t place his zodiac, beware! He was probably never born at all and is an android sent from outer space to take over our planet. In such cases you should either drive a silver spike through his heart at a crossroads or report him to the nearest UFO Research Centre.
