Through the good offices of that wise old sage who lives on the shores of Lake Success, the great You-know, and his trusty secretary Hymie, the Freaks and the Jerks agreed to talk things over and try and find a peaceful solution to the problem. But there was another issue that was bugging the Freaks and the Jerks even more than the treasure on the bottom of the sea between their two countries — which, incidentally, has still not been found.
It was the Cirrhosis question — known as such because it has driven countless politicians and world diplomats to drink, The island of Cirrhosis itself is very beautiful and is the birthplace of Venus. She came out of the foaming sea fully grown and completely naked. The sight of her naturally made the original inhabitants wild with joy. But when she put some clothes on and went off to join the other gods on Mount Olympus, they were so frustrated they all took to drink and that is another reason for the island’s name.
The island was next colonized by Freaks and thereafter occupied by many other people, including Othello, and finally by the Jerks and the British. When the British decided to leave after being harassed for a number of years by a turbulent Freak priest appropriately named McHarris, the island became independent. At that time, four-fifths of its inhabitants were Freaks and one-fifth were Jerks.
In the years that followed, the Freaks had a lovely time making passes at the young English girls who came out on cheap holidays. When the Jerks tried to cut in on some of the action, the Freaks confined them to enclaves where they couldn’t even take to drink because they were Moslems.
The situation came to a head three years ago when some crazy Freaks tried to kill McHarris, who was the island’s president, and replaced him with Samson and Delilah. The mainland Jerks were furious at this turn of events. A New Testament President was barely· tolerable but replacing him with an Old Testament team smacked too much of regression. They invaded Cirrhosis in force and occupied the top half of the island, bringing along all their unemployed relatives to pick the oranges the Freaks had left behind in their flight to the south. On the Freak part of the island, Samson and Delilah were arrested and McHarris was reinstated as President.
McHarris appealed to You-know and begged him to order the Jerk troops off Cirrhosis which You-know did. But, as usual, nobody paid any attention to You-know — not even his good friend President Bored. In fact, the President was so overcome with ennui he didn’t even send out Kiss-me-kate, his magic shuttlecock, to solve the problem.
Meanwhile, the Jerk leader on the island, Dinky Toy, who had been mouldering in an enclave for God knows how long, was desperately trying to attract young typists from Luton and kindred tourists to the northern part of Cirrhosis but without much success. He was also making noises about renaming the island Splitsville.
The stalemate continued until last November when President Bored was finally overcome with total ennui and handed everything over to a knight in shining armour called Jimmy who was also a notable champion of human rights. Jimmy wanted all the world’s outstanding problems solved without delay. So he dropped a word to You-know who sent Hymie, his secretary, over to arrange a meeting between McHarris and Dinky Toy — the first in thirteen years.
The following is a transcript of what was said at this meeting:
HYMIE: Now, you two, shake hands and let bygones be hasbeens.
DINKY TOY: Yok.
HYMIE: What was that you said?
DINKY TOY: Yok.
HYMIE: Did you say ‘yok’?
DINKY TOY (nodding): Yok.
MCHARRIS: Perhaps he has hiccups.
HYMIE (handing Dinky Toy a glass of water): Here, take nine sips without breathing. It’s the best cure for hiccups.
DINKY TOY: Yok, yok.
MCHARRIS: It’s getting worse. Perhaps we should call a doctor.
HYMIE: This is useless. He won’t say anything and he won’t drink the water. Perhaps we should call in a specialist from Vienna.
DINKY TOY (beaming): Vienna, Vienna.
MCHARRIS: He seems to like the idea.
HYMIE: What, of bringing over a specialist from Vienna? (Dinky Toy has closed his eyes and is humming the ‘Blue Danube Waltz’ with a dreamy expression on his face.)
MCHARRIS: I think he wants to go to Vienna. Perhaps he likes Sacher torte.
HYMIE: You don’t have to go to Vienna to eat Sacher torte. They ship it out to you in a wooden box.
DINKY TOY (glaring at Hymie): Yok.
MCHARRIS: He doesn’t want it shipped out. He wants to go to Vienna.
HYMIE (sighing): Okay, then. Let’s schedule a meeting in Vienna. What do you say to that?
MCHARRIS (shrugging): Suits me.
DIKNY TOY: Chok guzel.
MCHARRIS: There you see, I told you he was after the chocolate cake all the time. And so they agreed to meet again in Vienna this month. When You-know asked Hymie to report on the meeting he was pleased to hear from his trusty secretary that ‘It was a piece of cake!’
