AFTER my brilliant success in predicting the complete blockage of the northern suburbs of Athens with one-way signs I decided to take up astrology more seriously. With the ability to predict disasters both natural and man-made, perhaps I would also be able to avoid them — particularly the latter.
So I paid a visit to Madame Lazonga, the well-known astrologer who used to teach the conga in six lessons but who found star-gazing more lucrative.
She lived in an immense old villa in Kifissia, the kind that has high ceilings and vestigial bathrooms.
I had made an appointment with her and I arrived on time by following my customary procedure of totally ignoring one-way signs.
Τ was admitted through the front door by a saturnine manservant in a striped waistcoat and a green baize apron. He led me through a dimly-lit hall and opened the door to an even more dimly-lit study where he announced me to an almost invisible person sitting behind an ornately-carved mahogany desk.
It took me some time to get used to the light, so for the first few minutes I found myself talking to a Madame Lazonga who looked very much like Alfred Hitchcock’s silhouette behind a glass door.
Ί must apologize for the deshabille of my butler,’ she said with a delightful South American accent, ‘but he is polishing the silver.’
‘It is of no consequence,’ I said graciously.
‘You are very kind,’ she replied.
Then, I was startled to note a rather seductive quality in her voice as she said:
‘You are a very handsome man. I am very happy to meet you. You wish we should have the lesson now, or go upstairs first?’
The thought of going upstairs with somebody who looked like Alfred Hitchcock did not arouse the faintest spark of enthusiasm in me, but I retained my sang froid.
‘Madame is most gracious,’ I said, ‘and there is nothing I would like more than to go upstairs with Madame. But Τ think we should start the evening with more intellectual pursuits.’
‘Oh,’ she laughed, ‘you misunderstand me. As the lesson is going to be a rather long one, I thought perhaps you would like to go to the bathroom first.’
At that point I was rather glad she had a sense of humour. My eyes were getting used to the light and I could now see her eyes, large and beautiful and set in a lovely face. It was framed in long, raven-coloured hair, blending with the plumage of a small raven perched on her shoulder, which accounted for the peculiar silhouette.
‘Nevermore,’ I exclaimed facetiously, pointing at the bird.
‘No, his name is Manolito,’ she said. ‘Nevermore is what my butler says every time I catch him with his beak in my Courvoisier. But we are wasting time. Let us get on with your first lesson in astrology.’
She brought out the star charts, the ephemeris, the calendar and all the other paraphernalia, including a pocket calculator and a few hours later I had been thoroughly initiated into the mysteries of the celestial sphere. I knew everything there is to know about the movements of the stars, the sun, the moon and the planets in relation to the earth and I had all the facts and figures at my fingertips.
Madame Lazonga tested me with a few pertinent questions which I answered correctly and she sat back with a satisfied smile on her face.
‘That is very good,’ she said, ‘you are an excellent pupil. You have passed with flying colours.’
I was nonplussed.
‘But Madame,’ I protested, ‘you have still not taught me how to use this knowledge to make predictions?’
‘Predictions?’ she exclaimed. Then she laughed and the raven fluttered its wings and cawed raucously — laughing with her.
‘My dear fellow,’ she said, ‘an intelligent man like you does not need astrology to predict that the world is going to the dogs. What is it you want to know about the future? Earthquakes, plane crashes, shipwrecks, civil strife, assassinations, wars, revolutions, socialism, fascism, inflation, strikes, disasters. They are all going to happen and they will all get worse as time goes by. So don’t waste your time. With the knowledge I have given you today, a sextant, a good chronometer and a fifty-two-foot cabin cruiser, you can head for the South Sea islands and spend the rest of your life with nothing more to worry about.’
I sat in silence for a while, digesting all this. Τ decided she had made a pretty good point. But then I realized there was something that had been bothering me for the last half hour or so and had suddenly become very urgent.
‘Madame,’ I said.
‘Yes?’
‘I think I want to go upstairs now.’
