I decided to seek the answer with none other than the foremost authority on the subject, Professor Heinz von Krautsalat of Heidelberg University. This eminent psychologist has just completed the first part of a scientific study on the British-American Turkophile Syndrome, or B.A.T.S. for short. If I could persuade him to give us a preview of his findings, we might well be on’ our way towards understanding the perverse preference of our friends for the descendants of the Seljuks and Osmanlis.
The Professor was uncommunicative at first when I called him at Heidelberg and reversed the charges. However, he became more expansive when I offered to reimburse him for the phone tolls and hinted I might send him a packet of pistachio nuts with the nextpost. Here is what he had to say:
‘When B.A.T.S. was launched with the help of a ten-million-dollar grant from the Gennadius Library, we selected four British and four American test subjects. They were all prominent members of the Establishments of both countries and one was a businessman, another a general, another a diplomat and the fourth a politician.
‘We wired up their hearts, brains, sweat glands, pulses and taste buds to measure their mental and emotional reactions, and wired up their guts for their gut reactions.
‘We then projected two alternate film clips, one showing typical Greek scenes and the other showing characteristic Turkish behaviour.
‘The wires were all connected to a computer which combined all the readings to produce a final verdict on the test subject’s mental, emotional and gut reaction. This verdict was flashed on a screen and carefully noted down by one of my assistants.
‘The first film clip showed the sylvan glades of Mount Pelion in mythical times with satyrs cavorting through the chestnut trees with wood nymphs and naiads. The reaction registered was “Mild Interest”. Next, we showed a scene in a Turkish harem with a group of beautiful Circassian slaves doing a sinuous belly dance in front of the sultan. The response in seven of the test subjects was “Wild Enthusiasm” and “High Excitement” combined. The eighth test subject was the British politican who showed no reaction at all. He was further examined and found to be a closet queen or, to be more precise, a secret transvestite. We got rid of him fast and later heard he had undergone a sex change and was seeking a post in Mrs. Thatcher’s shadow cabinet. But I digress.
‘The next film clip showed the Agora of ancient Athens with Socrates holding forth to his pupils. The reaction again was one of “Mild Interest” only. There being no ancient Seljuk or Osmanli philosophers to draw on for a comparable Turkish scene, we showed the Seljuks galloping across the plains of Anatolia, slaughtering Byzantines right, left and centre and occupying large chunks of Greek territory. The test subjects registered varying degrees of enthusiasm with some confusion on the American side as to who were the “good guys” and who the “bad guys”.
‘We then showed a clip of Phidias putting the finishing touches to the Parthenon. Again, no reaction higher than “Mild Interest” with the exception of the British diplomat who registered some excitement when the camera zoomed in on the friezes and sculptures of the famous temple. The alternate scene was the bombardment of Constantinople in 1453 by the Sultan Mehmet II and his troops who finally stormed and took the half-ruined city. “Much Excitement” from the test subjects and a query from the American businessman who got his centuries mixed up. He wanted to know if any contracts were up for grabs for the reconstruction of the city.
‘Next came a scene from the movie The Guns of Navarone showing Anthony Quinn, as the Greek, saving a bunch of Britons from the Germans. Mild favourable response from the British but no response from the Americans. This was followed by a sequence from Lawrence of Arabia showing Jose Ferrer, as the Turkish officer, making goo-goo eyes at Peter O’ Toole. The British responded with ‘ ‘Extreme Discomfort” while the Americans registered “Silent Mirth” — all except the American diplomat who wanted to know exactly what had happened between the Turkish officer and Lawrence, after which he applied for a transfer to Ankara.
‘The climax of the test was the two final scenes: one showing the Security Council debating the Cyprus question. All eight test subjects fell into a deep sleep. Then we showed a hypothetical sequence of Mr. Karamanlis in Moscow being feted and made much of by a jovial and beaming Mr. Brezhnev. There was a “Mild Curiosity” reaction from the British but the effect on the Americans was devastating. The businessman got on the phone to his stockbroker and ordered him to sell all his shares in the Greek Coca-Cola company. The diplomat suffered a massive coronary occlusion. The politician sought an immediate audience with Archbishop Iakovos of North and South America. The general contacted the nearest CIA agent and ordered him to topple the Greek government forth-with.
‘We are now in the process of feeding all the test data on B.A.T.S. to the Binomial Elucidation Lineogram for Research Inference — B.E.L.F.R.I. for short — and we hope to have the definitive answer to the question in about a week’s time.’
Thank you very much, Professor,’ I said. ‘So for the time being one could say that our British-American friends are temporarily Β. A.T.S. in the B.E.L.F.R.I.?’
‘Exactly’, said the Professor.
